Anxiously Excited

Pregnancy is a funny time for those of us who have never experienced it before.  It is so wildly different, worse, and better than I ever could have imagined (all at the same time).  And despite how sick I was at first, or how much pain I have been in, or how my body has morphed in ways that I cannot control, this end period may be the hardest time of all.  This waiting.

People told me how uncomfortable I would be at the end and how much I would want the baby out.  I am 2 days shy of 40 weeks and I don't yet adamantly feel that the baby should be out.  Sure the kicks in the ribs or the punches in the hips aren't the best feeling, and sometimes I can't get comfortable no matter where or how I sit, stand, or lay.  I would absolutely love a full 8-hour night of sleep, or to be able to eat whatever I want again without the fear of heartburn.  But I honestly still feel like the baby could stay in there for the rest of eternity and I would do fine with it.  But maybe that is because this is the reality I know now.

But as much as I don't mind the baby staying in forever, I know that the baby won't stay in forever, and any day now Dave and I will have a little baby in our care.

I am constantly being told how excited others are for the coming of our little one.  And then I am prodded as to whether I am as excited as they are, and I never really know how to answer.  The reality to come is too much of an unknown to be safe, or comfortable, or really exciting to me.

And maybe that is selfish of me.  Part of my fear comes from not knowing how much this baby will change things in our lives.  I know in my head that everything is going to change -things will never be the same, but my heart is resistant to it - it kind of liked the way things were.  I know that this baby will bring insurmountable joy to our little family, but it is hard to comprehend having more joy in our little family - especially when I think of less freedom for Dave and I to go out and do what we want when we want, or 2am feedings, or diaper blowouts.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to have a baby.  But I am also scared.  Scared I won't be a good enough parent.  Scared that Dave and I aren't ready.  Scared that I will never have the life I dreamt of because of this little one.  Scared because having a baby means a huge physical challenge that I am not sure I am ready for, or can do.

But I wouldn't give the baby up for anything.  Not to go back to the way things were, not to experience every dream I have, not to never have to go through labour.  I wholeheartedly love this little one already, and despite my fears and doubts, I cannot wait to meet him/her.

Amy & Sammy Nugget at 39 weeks, 5 days.  Please excuse the awful photo quality!

The Future I Hope For

Note: I realize that I recently wrote a post entitled "Thinner Thursday...(or not)".  In that post I talked about a pregnancy woe about feeling negative about my body.  In this post, I will be talking about another pregnancy woe.  Please do not get me wrong, I am very excited to have this baby, I believe that God has blessed Dave and I with him/her.  Despite the excitement, however, there has been some anxiety and I will be talking about more of that in this post.  I already love our child though, and would not give him/her up for anything.

Lately I've been feeling pretty confused.  You see, I had big plans for my life.  Plans that involved having children and having a family, but a little later on.  As much as I would talk about how much I wanted to have a baby, I wanted to get my Masters degree and get into a career before moving onto the family step.  I wanted to be someone first.

I worked hard in University so I could get good grades so that I could (hopefully) get into good post-graduate programs.  I wanted to be employable, I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be a changemaker, and to be honest - I wanted to be written about in someone's history book.  And I had worked hard in school and with volunteer opportunities to make sure that would happen.

Now, I am pregnant, live in a tiny little basement apartment with a husband who loves his job and has lots of lateral movement opportunities, but for the time being, doesn't make a lot of money.  And I am unemployed.  I feel like a big failure.

And I feel like I won't ever succeed at my dreams of being someone (it doesn't help that I don't really know what I truly am passionate about, or what field I want to be in for the rest of my life).  I know that being a mother is a great calling, and again, I feel I am so blessed to have the opportunity to have this child (I know there are many women who can only dream of having this opportunity), but part of me feels like this is it for me.  I am a 22 year old who feels like life has come to an end (employment wise at least).

I know that I can still get a job despite being a mother, and I could still do something with my life, I just don't know if I could be the mother I want to be, and the employee I would want to be at the same time.

So here's to trusting that the big man upstairs knows what he is doing with me.  I have mentioned it before but this passage has been of great comfort to me recently, and I turn to it again to give me hope that God hasn't called me to be a nobody.

I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

When Life Gave Me Lemons....I Got Pregnant!

How far along?: 14 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a lemon!  (S)He is now starting to grow hair!  I hope that when (s)he is born (s)he has a full head of hair!  If it is a boy, I hope he has blonde hair, but I want my girls to be dark-haired like me (but hopefully have their daddy's blue eyes).

Maternity clothes?: Still none.  Although I am thinking about going to buy some as they are on sale this week!  I think walking into the store might make it too real though.

Stretch Marks: Still none!

Sleep: The weirdest thing I find about sleep right now is the fact that I don't move naturally in my sleep like I used to.  It is the reason I keep waking up.  My arm or leg or fingers or toes or shoulders wake me up because they are fast asleep from not having moved in hours.  Then I have to deal with the pain and shift my body around until they aren't being disturbed.  

Best moment this week: I had two very productive days this week!  Hoorah!

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings: Still none.  I do find I am craving pancakes sometimes, but that might just be because I am trying to think of something to have for breakfast.

Food aversions: Still cooking meat, and eating a little bit.  I would much rather eat veggies or fruit than meat.

Gender: I have to wait another 26 weeks for that!

Labor signs: No.

Belly Button in or out? Still Innie.

What I miss: Being able to lose weight.

What I am looking forward to: Showing, and our next dr. appointment and ultrasound.  And (off topic) babysitting my nephew this weekend!

Weekly wisdom: More people understand your situation than you think.

Milestones: None that I can think of this week!

Thinner Thursday (or not)

For me, one of the hardest parts about being pregnant has been a lack of self-esteem.  You see, this is the time of year that everyone is losing weight.  And if it were a typical year for me, I would probably be losing weight right about now too.

And because I am not losing weight, and because I am feeling bloated, and frumpy, and just 'large' in general, I am having a really hard time seeing myself as physically attractive, despite a 10 lb weight loss since becoming pregnant (brought about solely by morning sickness!).

Not only am I discouraged that I can't be losing weight right now, I also have this nagging feeling that I have no hope of losing weight again.  I feel like I can never have the body I truly want to have, let alone regain the one I had pre-pregnancy.

And I know that I can still be active and workout but I find myself lacking the motivation to do so when I know that results won't be as easy to see as they used to be.

I also know that I should be eating healthy foods right now but I am not even sure what that should look like during pregnancy.  To add to that, I have always aired on the side of pickiness with my food, and especially now - being pregnant - I find myself just thankful that I feel like eating anything (healthy, or not).

To add to all of this, I am most definitely a plan/goal person.  I want to know that by eating this, and working out by doing that, I will see this result.  I need my goals to be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely), and I am really not sure how I could measure healthy goals at this point in time in my life/pregnancy.

As a piece of good news though, my sweet tooth and my deep fried tooth both seemed to have gone into hiding since the beginning of this pregnancy.  I am hoping that they don't rear their ugly heads later on!

What did you do to stay healthy during your pregnancy?  Do you have any advice for a newbie pregnant woman like myself?  How can I still try to feel good about myself as I lose my once-precious barely-there-anyways waistline?

This post is linked up to Thinner Thursday over at Mommy Miracles.

Meet our little Peach

It's been a long time, friends.  And really, my excuses are limited as mostly I have been sitting around home doing a whole lot of nothing (aside from looking for jobs, cleaning, cooking, and laundry).  But I was only really able to do those things sometimes anyways.  But mentally and physically I have been preparing.  And so today, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce you to someone.

Me, Husingband, and our little peach (13 weeks along)

You see, the little 2-person Pike family is about to grow into the still-little 3-person Pike family.  And we are ecstatic!  Our little peach is still very young (only 13.5 weeks old!), but (s)he is very much a part of our family already.  Lovingly referred to as Sammy Nuggett (by me), Jamal (by Dave), and Bob the Blob (sporadically), there is nary a conversation that goes by that doesn't include him/her in some manner.

We found out about Sammy Nugget the day after mothers day.  It was a big surprise as we had not been planning on having a little one for a number of years, and the first thing I did when I found out was worry.  You see we had just left our jobs in Moncton and moved to Miramichi, a town with a sad economic climate, and it has been 2.5 months and I still have not found a job.  Having no job will mean not having maternity leave which will make things financially very tough on us.  I am going to continue to look for a job though and Dave and I are just trusting that God knows what he is doing, and believing that He will provide.

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

Financially, we are in the final stages of paying off of our debt (after being set off track slightly because of a large car repair bill).  But we were blessed to have the money in savings to be able to pay that bill (we wouldn't have been able to mere months ago), and despite that setback we should be debt-free by the end of this month (see my post Money$ for more information on our financial plan).  This will allow us to save as much as possible so we can have a good chunk of savings for when the little one comes next January (for which I am sure we will be very thankful).

I have been fairly sick so far in the pregnancy, and that has halted almost all of my food adventures.  The illness seems to be waning slightly, and so I hope (and I am sure Dave does as well) that I will be able to return to cooking and baking a lot, so look for an update on The Rookie Wife Eats soon!

I am also looking for ways to save money around the house (I have started couponing), as well as trying DIY projects, and creating a healthier environment for us and the baby.  So, I should be updating the Rookie Wife at Home sometime soon as well with some of these things!

Before I sign off, I have 'stolen' the format my sister (over at Mommy Miracles) used when she was pregnant as an update to the blogging world.  So, I have attached this week at the bottom.  Sorry it makes this post so long! 

13 weeks - La pêche

Don't worry, we won't throw Sammy Nugget around in real life!

How far along?: 13 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a peach!  (S)He doubles in size every week!  I am impressed (and I am glad that I can't double in size every week!

Maternity clothes?: One day, I wore a pair of maternity jeans that Laura gave me.  They made my life so much better, I was feeling mucho bloated that day.  But since I am down weight, I haven't needed too much in the jean department (although I have been shying away from my skinny, low rise, uber tight American Eagle jeans).  I do find I am in need of some less tight/short tank tops.  They seem to be rising up a lot more!

Stretch Marks: Not yet, thank goodness.

Sleep: Some nights, I have a pretty good night sleep.  I find myself waking up briefly 5-6 times in the night but that might be due to warmth more than anything else.  I still have to get up and pee in the middle of the night though.  I guess this is preparing me for not sleeping through the night come January!

Best moment this week: Heard Sammy Nugget's hearbeat!  160 bpm! It was so fast!

Movement: Nope, although I could see a heartbeat through my stomach this week and thought it might be baby's.  Apparently it is mine.  (Has anyone else ever seen their heart beating through their stomach?  It is the weirdest thing).

Food cravings: None really.  My cravings come and go so fast.  I want it one minute, and then I eat some of it, and it is never as good as I think it is going to be and then I don't want it anymore!

Food aversions: I haven't had aversions to eating anything, but I have had aversions to cooking all meat.  I am going to try to make taco's tonight for supper, it might be interesting.

Gender: I have no sweet clue!  I kind of want a boy so that my names flow with birth order, but I think Dave wants a girl.  We would be overjoyed with either though!

Labor signs: No, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Innie

What I miss: Knowing that my stomach fat was actually stomach fat.  Now I can't tell whether it is part fat/part baby or what.

What I am looking forward to: Showing!  I just want to show!  Despite having seen Sammy Nugget on the ultrasound and hearing his/her heartbeat I still don't believe this is real!  I think showing will help with that.

Weekly wisdom: Staying active really does make you feel better!

Milestones: I have hit second trimester.  For sure, I have passed 13 weeks 3 days or whatever the real 2nd trimester mark is.  So that is exciting!

Sad Pandas, Moving, Food, Running, and more Blogging!

Over this past weekend, I was honored with a remarkable title by the world blogging federation.  The nomination was a surprise, but I should have seen it coming, considering my blogging successes in the past.

The award?  Worst Blogger of All Time.

Okay, so that is a lie, but if there we a World Blogging Federation, and if there was an award titled "Worst Blogger of All Time", I sure hope you would all nominate me for it, because you and I both know that I deserve it.

And let me take a moment to divulge my slew of typical excuses: got busy, lost internet after April 1st (and actually still don't have it!), moved to a different city, etc.

But with all these changes has come something that I haven't really been accustomed to over the past 22 years of my life (except maybe in the first ten which I don't happen to remember all that clearly) - free time.

As I mentioned, my husband and I just went through a move.  Dave started a new job in Miramichi on April 4, 2011 but I continued my job in Moncton up until April 29th, so I just made the move last Friday.  But now that I have moved, I no longer have a job (anyone in Miramichi hiring?!), and I no longer have school, and despite a few commitments that have me travelling back and forth between the two cities for the next few weeks, I am pretty much finishing all of my volunteer responsibilities as well.

Not my photo - but this is the welcome to Miramichi sign!

And because of all this free time, I have made some goals for myself in Miramichi, and I would appreciate it if you all would help keep me accountable to these goals.

They are as follows:

1) Start Running

Again, not my photo.  I'll take a picture of my shoes when I get my own - promise!  But I won't be running through a waterfall or anything, I also promise you that - I guarantee it would not look good like this ad!

I have tried this before, but I am not the greatest runner in all of history.  My issues stem from the following things:
a) I have an extremely wide foot ('D' width), coupled with a very high instep, and a high arch.  This equals a disaster for trying to find shoes that have fit me.  I have known to wear shoes that are a 9.5 when I am really measured at a 7 because they are the only ones that will fit my foot width. This problem has caused my next running issue:
b) shin splints.  I get them a lot, and boy are they painful, and they definitely do not encourage me to keep running!
c)I am out of shape, and running is hard work!  I don't know if you have ever tried it, or maybe you are someone like my husband who could stop running for 18,000 years and pick it up the next day like nothing ever happened.  This is most definitely not me - if I can run for 1 minute straight when I start again, I will be lucky.

But I want to get in shape, I need to get in shape.  I want to feel good about myself, and I am sick of being outdone athletically by my husband - I'd much rather whip his butt in a race than vis versa.

So, I am buying a new pair of Asics Nimbus 12's (despite the lack of prettyness - but my husingband the shoe expert convinced me).  And as soon as I can get those, I am getting back into it.  I promise.  (Keep me to it, puhlease!).

I wanna be fit, y'all.

2) Get Out of Debt


I've talked about this before.   But we are so close, friends.  Pretty much we have one credit card left - I can't wait!!!

My goal - which I think is very reachable, is to be out of debt, by our one year anniversary (August 21, 2011).  I'll also keep you updated on that.

3) Eat at Home


I am sick of fast food.  And I literally mean that.  Thinking about fast food kind of makes me want to throw up (sorry for that mental image).  So I am going to be trying to make lots more at home - bread, condiments, tomato sauces, dips, etc.  I will be updating you on this on my brand new blog titled: The Rookie Wife Eats.  The Blog will cover food I have tried to make, whether it is successful or not.  It may also cover food I eat elsewhere if I really love it.  Please follow my blog and check it out!  Look for the first post to be posted tomorrow - Friday, May 6th!

This cooking at home plan has a lot to do with trying to be more healthy, I like to know what is in my food, and I tend to feel better about it when I am cooking it myself.

(I also love cooking!)

4) Get to know Miramichi


I was challenged last week (thanks Tara!) to make a blog about my time in Miramichi.  I was asked to find the following things about the Chi:

a) Where can you buy used books?
b) Where can you buy good coffee/tea?
c) Where can you walk/drive to when you need to get away from your own place?
d) Who has the best take-out?
e) What are the locals crazy about?

So I am going to try to figure these things out, and then I am going to blog about them and all sorts of other things I have found in Miramichi.  Check out my The Rookie Wife in Smallville blog - follow, and leave some love!  And if you are from Miramichi give me some good leads of things in the area to check out!   I will be posting my first blogpost on that site tomorrow (Friday, May 6th) as well so keep your eye out for it.

I have some other goals as well, but these are my primary ones, so please help keep me accountable and check out my two new blogs!!! The Rookie Wife Eats, and The Rookie Wife in Smallville!

Have a great weekend!

Tired of the Status Quo

Again, I haven't blogged in the while.  I am the worst at continual blogging.  I am trying to get better, but since my last post, I have been really busy with school and work, and then our computer went into the shop to get fixed and was there for about a week and a half and then Dave and I ended up taking a quick trip to Newfoundland last week.

But, here I am - blogging again.  This time, it is not about money - although I plan to write another post about money very soon.  Although I am bad at replying to people's comments please know that I appreciated all the responses I got.  I love learning about other people who are going through the same things I am going through!

Today though, this blog post is about wanting something else.

I know, I shouldn't want things other than what I have.

Although I feel like we are always scraping for money, and we don't have enough - really, we are very blessed (despite the numerous setbacks that have taken place in the last couple of weeks monetarily - but I will talk about those in another blog post).  We are making enough money to survive and even save and pay down some debt.  And we have a roof over our heads, a car that works (most of the time), and family that love us.

We are lucky.

But I am kind of tired of my life.  I know that sounds weird and probably pretty bad, but it is just how I am feeling lately.

For those who don't know me well.  I am kind of a control freak, and I am very competitive.  I like to win, and I like to be in control of winning.  And that goes for everything.  I want to be the very best at what I do, everything I do.  And when someone beats me, I get...well...dejected.  When I don't 'win', I feel like I have let others down.

And lately, I feel like I haven't been winning at very much.  Everyone is in competition for everything and I haven't come out the winner in many areas.  And so I have this desire to adopt a lifestyle where I am not in competition.  I want to stay at home.  I want to cook, clean, bake, do laundry, take care of our finances, and be the best wife I can possibly be.

My ideal life

Because in the scheme of things, my husband only has one wife.  And so my only competition is my own ideals, and I know I can surpass my ideals if I try hard enough.

I am tired of getting home at 6:30 and being too tired and hungry to make anything substantial for supper.  I am tired of having to do dishes after that, and then looking at my disastrous house wishing I had time to really clean everything.  I am tired of leaving laundry to the last minute because of how tedious our washing machine is, and not having the time to sit down and be available to fill it up, wash it, drain it, fill it up, do a rinse, drain it, move the clothes to the spinner, etc.

I am tired of buying store-made cookies and bread, when I could just as easily make them myself.  And I enjoy making them myself.  I love baking and cooking and being able to make something from nothing.  But I am a morning person, and so by the time I get home at 6:30 (or later), I am wiped and don't want to slave over a stove for the next hour only to have to clean my mess up and then go to bed.

I want to stay at home.  I want to find time for daily physical activity again.  I want to be able to volunteer.  I want to be the best at at least one area in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I actually have a great job.  I get to interact with people, and do work, I like my coworkers, and I believe in the institution I work for.  I also like my schoolwork, I am taking a really neat class on Performance Studies.  I enjoy the job of being President of the Student Association, especially the different committees I get to sit on because of that role.  But it's a lot on my plate.  Not only do I have these to contend with, but I have other academic and volunteer roles that I fulfill, and to be honest - I am just tired of it all.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop all the craziness and busyness and be great at one area of my life - being a wife.  I want my husband to come home to a hot meal every night - or at least be able to come home to a cleaner house.  I have no crazy expectations that everything would be perfect - but maybe this one area would improve.

Sadly, for now - I need to keep working and volunteering and schooling.  But I hope that someday, even just for a little bit, I will get to be a wife first and foremost.