The Future I Hope For

Note: I realize that I recently wrote a post entitled "Thinner Thursday...(or not)".  In that post I talked about a pregnancy woe about feeling negative about my body.  In this post, I will be talking about another pregnancy woe.  Please do not get me wrong, I am very excited to have this baby, I believe that God has blessed Dave and I with him/her.  Despite the excitement, however, there has been some anxiety and I will be talking about more of that in this post.  I already love our child though, and would not give him/her up for anything.

Lately I've been feeling pretty confused.  You see, I had big plans for my life.  Plans that involved having children and having a family, but a little later on.  As much as I would talk about how much I wanted to have a baby, I wanted to get my Masters degree and get into a career before moving onto the family step.  I wanted to be someone first.

I worked hard in University so I could get good grades so that I could (hopefully) get into good post-graduate programs.  I wanted to be employable, I wanted to be wanted, I wanted to be a changemaker, and to be honest - I wanted to be written about in someone's history book.  And I had worked hard in school and with volunteer opportunities to make sure that would happen.

Now, I am pregnant, live in a tiny little basement apartment with a husband who loves his job and has lots of lateral movement opportunities, but for the time being, doesn't make a lot of money.  And I am unemployed.  I feel like a big failure.

And I feel like I won't ever succeed at my dreams of being someone (it doesn't help that I don't really know what I truly am passionate about, or what field I want to be in for the rest of my life).  I know that being a mother is a great calling, and again, I feel I am so blessed to have the opportunity to have this child (I know there are many women who can only dream of having this opportunity), but part of me feels like this is it for me.  I am a 22 year old who feels like life has come to an end (employment wise at least).

I know that I can still get a job despite being a mother, and I could still do something with my life, I just don't know if I could be the mother I want to be, and the employee I would want to be at the same time.

So here's to trusting that the big man upstairs knows what he is doing with me.  I have mentioned it before but this passage has been of great comfort to me recently, and I turn to it again to give me hope that God hasn't called me to be a nobody.

I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

When Life Gave Me Lemons....I Got Pregnant!

How far along?: 14 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a lemon!  (S)He is now starting to grow hair!  I hope that when (s)he is born (s)he has a full head of hair!  If it is a boy, I hope he has blonde hair, but I want my girls to be dark-haired like me (but hopefully have their daddy's blue eyes).

Maternity clothes?: Still none.  Although I am thinking about going to buy some as they are on sale this week!  I think walking into the store might make it too real though.

Stretch Marks: Still none!

Sleep: The weirdest thing I find about sleep right now is the fact that I don't move naturally in my sleep like I used to.  It is the reason I keep waking up.  My arm or leg or fingers or toes or shoulders wake me up because they are fast asleep from not having moved in hours.  Then I have to deal with the pain and shift my body around until they aren't being disturbed.  

Best moment this week: I had two very productive days this week!  Hoorah!

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings: Still none.  I do find I am craving pancakes sometimes, but that might just be because I am trying to think of something to have for breakfast.

Food aversions: Still cooking meat, and eating a little bit.  I would much rather eat veggies or fruit than meat.

Gender: I have to wait another 26 weeks for that!

Labor signs: No.

Belly Button in or out? Still Innie.

What I miss: Being able to lose weight.

What I am looking forward to: Showing, and our next dr. appointment and ultrasound.  And (off topic) babysitting my nephew this weekend!

Weekly wisdom: More people understand your situation than you think.

Milestones: None that I can think of this week!

Thinner Thursday (or not)

For me, one of the hardest parts about being pregnant has been a lack of self-esteem.  You see, this is the time of year that everyone is losing weight.  And if it were a typical year for me, I would probably be losing weight right about now too.

And because I am not losing weight, and because I am feeling bloated, and frumpy, and just 'large' in general, I am having a really hard time seeing myself as physically attractive, despite a 10 lb weight loss since becoming pregnant (brought about solely by morning sickness!).

Not only am I discouraged that I can't be losing weight right now, I also have this nagging feeling that I have no hope of losing weight again.  I feel like I can never have the body I truly want to have, let alone regain the one I had pre-pregnancy.

And I know that I can still be active and workout but I find myself lacking the motivation to do so when I know that results won't be as easy to see as they used to be.

I also know that I should be eating healthy foods right now but I am not even sure what that should look like during pregnancy.  To add to that, I have always aired on the side of pickiness with my food, and especially now - being pregnant - I find myself just thankful that I feel like eating anything (healthy, or not).

To add to all of this, I am most definitely a plan/goal person.  I want to know that by eating this, and working out by doing that, I will see this result.  I need my goals to be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely), and I am really not sure how I could measure healthy goals at this point in time in my life/pregnancy.

As a piece of good news though, my sweet tooth and my deep fried tooth both seemed to have gone into hiding since the beginning of this pregnancy.  I am hoping that they don't rear their ugly heads later on!

What did you do to stay healthy during your pregnancy?  Do you have any advice for a newbie pregnant woman like myself?  How can I still try to feel good about myself as I lose my once-precious barely-there-anyways waistline?

This post is linked up to Thinner Thursday over at Mommy Miracles.

Meet our little Peach

It's been a long time, friends.  And really, my excuses are limited as mostly I have been sitting around home doing a whole lot of nothing (aside from looking for jobs, cleaning, cooking, and laundry).  But I was only really able to do those things sometimes anyways.  But mentally and physically I have been preparing.  And so today, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce you to someone.

Me, Husingband, and our little peach (13 weeks along)

You see, the little 2-person Pike family is about to grow into the still-little 3-person Pike family.  And we are ecstatic!  Our little peach is still very young (only 13.5 weeks old!), but (s)he is very much a part of our family already.  Lovingly referred to as Sammy Nuggett (by me), Jamal (by Dave), and Bob the Blob (sporadically), there is nary a conversation that goes by that doesn't include him/her in some manner.

We found out about Sammy Nugget the day after mothers day.  It was a big surprise as we had not been planning on having a little one for a number of years, and the first thing I did when I found out was worry.  You see we had just left our jobs in Moncton and moved to Miramichi, a town with a sad economic climate, and it has been 2.5 months and I still have not found a job.  Having no job will mean not having maternity leave which will make things financially very tough on us.  I am going to continue to look for a job though and Dave and I are just trusting that God knows what he is doing, and believing that He will provide.

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

Financially, we are in the final stages of paying off of our debt (after being set off track slightly because of a large car repair bill).  But we were blessed to have the money in savings to be able to pay that bill (we wouldn't have been able to mere months ago), and despite that setback we should be debt-free by the end of this month (see my post Money$ for more information on our financial plan).  This will allow us to save as much as possible so we can have a good chunk of savings for when the little one comes next January (for which I am sure we will be very thankful).

I have been fairly sick so far in the pregnancy, and that has halted almost all of my food adventures.  The illness seems to be waning slightly, and so I hope (and I am sure Dave does as well) that I will be able to return to cooking and baking a lot, so look for an update on The Rookie Wife Eats soon!

I am also looking for ways to save money around the house (I have started couponing), as well as trying DIY projects, and creating a healthier environment for us and the baby.  So, I should be updating the Rookie Wife at Home sometime soon as well with some of these things!

Before I sign off, I have 'stolen' the format my sister (over at Mommy Miracles) used when she was pregnant as an update to the blogging world.  So, I have attached this week at the bottom.  Sorry it makes this post so long! 

13 weeks - La pêche

Don't worry, we won't throw Sammy Nugget around in real life!

How far along?: 13 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a peach!  (S)He doubles in size every week!  I am impressed (and I am glad that I can't double in size every week!

Maternity clothes?: One day, I wore a pair of maternity jeans that Laura gave me.  They made my life so much better, I was feeling mucho bloated that day.  But since I am down weight, I haven't needed too much in the jean department (although I have been shying away from my skinny, low rise, uber tight American Eagle jeans).  I do find I am in need of some less tight/short tank tops.  They seem to be rising up a lot more!

Stretch Marks: Not yet, thank goodness.

Sleep: Some nights, I have a pretty good night sleep.  I find myself waking up briefly 5-6 times in the night but that might be due to warmth more than anything else.  I still have to get up and pee in the middle of the night though.  I guess this is preparing me for not sleeping through the night come January!

Best moment this week: Heard Sammy Nugget's hearbeat!  160 bpm! It was so fast!

Movement: Nope, although I could see a heartbeat through my stomach this week and thought it might be baby's.  Apparently it is mine.  (Has anyone else ever seen their heart beating through their stomach?  It is the weirdest thing).

Food cravings: None really.  My cravings come and go so fast.  I want it one minute, and then I eat some of it, and it is never as good as I think it is going to be and then I don't want it anymore!

Food aversions: I haven't had aversions to eating anything, but I have had aversions to cooking all meat.  I am going to try to make taco's tonight for supper, it might be interesting.

Gender: I have no sweet clue!  I kind of want a boy so that my names flow with birth order, but I think Dave wants a girl.  We would be overjoyed with either though!

Labor signs: No, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Innie

What I miss: Knowing that my stomach fat was actually stomach fat.  Now I can't tell whether it is part fat/part baby or what.

What I am looking forward to: Showing!  I just want to show!  Despite having seen Sammy Nugget on the ultrasound and hearing his/her heartbeat I still don't believe this is real!  I think showing will help with that.

Weekly wisdom: Staying active really does make you feel better!

Milestones: I have hit second trimester.  For sure, I have passed 13 weeks 3 days or whatever the real 2nd trimester mark is.  So that is exciting!