People told me how uncomfortable I would be at the end and how much I would want the baby out. I am 2 days shy of 40 weeks and I don't yet adamantly feel that the baby should be out. Sure the kicks in the ribs or the punches in the hips aren't the best feeling, and sometimes I can't get comfortable no matter where or how I sit, stand, or lay. I would absolutely love a full 8-hour night of sleep, or to be able to eat whatever I want again without the fear of heartburn. But I honestly still feel like the baby could stay in there for the rest of eternity and I would do fine with it. But maybe that is because this is the reality I know now.
But as much as I don't mind the baby staying in forever, I know that the baby won't stay in forever, and any day now Dave and I will have a little baby in our care.
I am constantly being told how excited others are for the coming of our little one. And then I am prodded as to whether I am as excited as they are, and I never really know how to answer. The reality to come is too much of an unknown to be safe, or comfortable, or really exciting to me.
And maybe that is selfish of me. Part of my fear comes from not knowing how much this baby will change things in our lives. I know in my head that everything is going to change -things will never be the same, but my heart is resistant to it - it kind of liked the way things were. I know that this baby will bring insurmountable joy to our little family, but it is hard to comprehend having more joy in our little family - especially when I think of less freedom for Dave and I to go out and do what we want when we want, or 2am feedings, or diaper blowouts.
Don't get me wrong, I am excited to have a baby. But I am also scared. Scared I won't be a good enough parent. Scared that Dave and I aren't ready. Scared that I will never have the life I dreamt of because of this little one. Scared because having a baby means a huge physical challenge that I am not sure I am ready for, or can do.
But I wouldn't give the baby up for anything. Not to go back to the way things were, not to experience every dream I have, not to never have to go through labour. I wholeheartedly love this little one already, and despite my fears and doubts, I cannot wait to meet him/her.
|Amy & Sammy Nugget at 39 weeks, 5 days. Please excuse the awful photo quality!|