Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Anxiously Excited

Pregnancy is a funny time for those of us who have never experienced it before.  It is so wildly different, worse, and better than I ever could have imagined (all at the same time).  And despite how sick I was at first, or how much pain I have been in, or how my body has morphed in ways that I cannot control, this end period may be the hardest time of all.  This waiting.

People told me how uncomfortable I would be at the end and how much I would want the baby out.  I am 2 days shy of 40 weeks and I don't yet adamantly feel that the baby should be out.  Sure the kicks in the ribs or the punches in the hips aren't the best feeling, and sometimes I can't get comfortable no matter where or how I sit, stand, or lay.  I would absolutely love a full 8-hour night of sleep, or to be able to eat whatever I want again without the fear of heartburn.  But I honestly still feel like the baby could stay in there for the rest of eternity and I would do fine with it.  But maybe that is because this is the reality I know now.

But as much as I don't mind the baby staying in forever, I know that the baby won't stay in forever, and any day now Dave and I will have a little baby in our care.

I am constantly being told how excited others are for the coming of our little one.  And then I am prodded as to whether I am as excited as they are, and I never really know how to answer.  The reality to come is too much of an unknown to be safe, or comfortable, or really exciting to me.

And maybe that is selfish of me.  Part of my fear comes from not knowing how much this baby will change things in our lives.  I know in my head that everything is going to change -things will never be the same, but my heart is resistant to it - it kind of liked the way things were.  I know that this baby will bring insurmountable joy to our little family, but it is hard to comprehend having more joy in our little family - especially when I think of less freedom for Dave and I to go out and do what we want when we want, or 2am feedings, or diaper blowouts.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to have a baby.  But I am also scared.  Scared I won't be a good enough parent.  Scared that Dave and I aren't ready.  Scared that I will never have the life I dreamt of because of this little one.  Scared because having a baby means a huge physical challenge that I am not sure I am ready for, or can do.

But I wouldn't give the baby up for anything.  Not to go back to the way things were, not to experience every dream I have, not to never have to go through labour.  I wholeheartedly love this little one already, and despite my fears and doubts, I cannot wait to meet him/her.

Amy & Sammy Nugget at 39 weeks, 5 days.  Please excuse the awful photo quality!


  1. You and Dave are going to make great parents. And this is why I know: your intentionality about other parts of your life, your love and more importantly your commitment to each other and your trust in a God who can and will redeem all of who you are in parenting and in your life. I understand,as well, your ambivalence. It is not a small matter - raising children and it will change your life. But change is not always a minus on the scale of life. There will be many enhancements that come with children and a deepening and widening of love that will astound you and humble you. God puts us in families for a reason. I know you are already on that journey of discovery. Your child will add a wonderful new dimension to that.

  2. You will indeed be fabulous parents!! What came to mind as I read your post is the love you have for Christ, who really is the source of strength, wisdom, and love ~and what really matters! Parenting can be a huge learning curve, no doubt, but it can also be the best blessing, most incredible opportunity, and the finest gift ever!! ... as you know I have 2 daughters [and 4 grandsons now], and THIS is the best, most amazing life! YOU and Dave will be awesome parents! With the structure, creativity, and resourcefulness you have... you will do just fine! <3 xox

  3. I think you perfectly describe the way every new soon-to-be mom feels. At least it's certainly how I felt.

    Having never actually reached my due date, I'm feeling for you today! I do hope this baby decides to make his/her appearance soon.

    Don't forget to bring lots of food to the hospital - or be prepared to spend a small fortune. I usually ate the hospital food and then Cory would go to the cafeteria and buy me another entire meal. It's ridiculous.

    1. Emily - thanks! Hopefully the baby will make his or her appearance soon! If not, the doctor is going to induce Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Dave wants the baby to come Monday because that is his birthday! So we shall see!

      Thanks for the advice on the food! I will try to bring things to eat - if I think of anything I can bring, or get off my lazy bum and actually work on making things that I could eat. I have a feeling I will be very hungry while there though!