Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Tired of the Status Quo

Again, I haven't blogged in the while.  I am the worst at continual blogging.  I am trying to get better, but since my last post, I have been really busy with school and work, and then our computer went into the shop to get fixed and was there for about a week and a half and then Dave and I ended up taking a quick trip to Newfoundland last week.

But, here I am - blogging again.  This time, it is not about money - although I plan to write another post about money very soon.  Although I am bad at replying to people's comments please know that I appreciated all the responses I got.  I love learning about other people who are going through the same things I am going through!

Today though, this blog post is about wanting something else.

I know, I shouldn't want things other than what I have.

Although I feel like we are always scraping for money, and we don't have enough - really, we are very blessed (despite the numerous setbacks that have taken place in the last couple of weeks monetarily - but I will talk about those in another blog post).  We are making enough money to survive and even save and pay down some debt.  And we have a roof over our heads, a car that works (most of the time), and family that love us.

We are lucky.

But I am kind of tired of my life.  I know that sounds weird and probably pretty bad, but it is just how I am feeling lately.

For those who don't know me well.  I am kind of a control freak, and I am very competitive.  I like to win, and I like to be in control of winning.  And that goes for everything.  I want to be the very best at what I do, everything I do.  And when someone beats me, I get...well...dejected.  When I don't 'win', I feel like I have let others down.

And lately, I feel like I haven't been winning at very much.  Everyone is in competition for everything and I haven't come out the winner in many areas.  And so I have this desire to adopt a lifestyle where I am not in competition.  I want to stay at home.  I want to cook, clean, bake, do laundry, take care of our finances, and be the best wife I can possibly be.

My ideal life
Because in the scheme of things, my husband only has one wife.  And so my only competition is my own ideals, and I know I can surpass my ideals if I try hard enough.

I am tired of getting home at 6:30 and being too tired and hungry to make anything substantial for supper.  I am tired of having to do dishes after that, and then looking at my disastrous house wishing I had time to really clean everything.  I am tired of leaving laundry to the last minute because of how tedious our washing machine is, and not having the time to sit down and be available to fill it up, wash it, drain it, fill it up, do a rinse, drain it, move the clothes to the spinner, etc.

I am tired of buying store-made cookies and bread, when I could just as easily make them myself.  And I enjoy making them myself.  I love baking and cooking and being able to make something from nothing.  But I am a morning person, and so by the time I get home at 6:30 (or later), I am wiped and don't want to slave over a stove for the next hour only to have to clean my mess up and then go to bed.

I want to stay at home.  I want to find time for daily physical activity again.  I want to be able to volunteer.  I want to be the best at at least one area in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I actually have a great job.  I get to interact with people, and do work, I like my coworkers, and I believe in the institution I work for.  I also like my schoolwork, I am taking a really neat class on Performance Studies.  I enjoy the job of being President of the Student Association, especially the different committees I get to sit on because of that role.  But it's a lot on my plate.  Not only do I have these to contend with, but I have other academic and volunteer roles that I fulfill, and to be honest - I am just tired of it all.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop all the craziness and busyness and be great at one area of my life - being a wife.  I want my husband to come home to a hot meal every night - or at least be able to come home to a cleaner house.  I have no crazy expectations that everything would be perfect - but maybe this one area would improve.

Sadly, for now - I need to keep working and volunteering and schooling.  But I hope that someday, even just for a little bit, I will get to be a wife first and foremost.