A letter to my (almost) four month old little man

James,

My heart aches with love for you.  Before you were born, I wasn't sure I'd have enough space in my heart for it to overflow with love for both you and your sister, but I do - it does.

But James, I often feel like I am failing you.  And that scares me.  You are a wonderful little boy - you sleep through the night, you are content, you do well in the car, and you give the biggest, brightest smiles.  But I take advantage of those - I have been able to continue helping out at the church, I have been running in the mornings, and taking classes at the local gym many evenings which means less time with you.

I don't have the same amount of time, attention, and patience to give you as I did your sister.  When I do get time with you, she often pulls me away from you so I can save her from being 'ducckk' with her head trapped between spindles on a chair, or after having climbed into your exercauser.

I go back to work next week.  On one hand, I am excited - I enjoy working, I love my job, and this is what I want.  I know it'll only be a couple of days a week for now, but as much as I am excited, I am scared.  I am scared that I will miss your childhood and I'll regret it later.  Being out of the house makes me a better mom when I am at home, especially with your sister who keeps me go-go-going all the time, but it still tears me apart inside to think of you spending days without me.

Going back to work also means that you and I won't have one day a week for just the two of us anymore.  I'll miss those.

If I am being honest, James, there are two things I am terrified of for you:

1)  That you won't end up understanding, grappling, and grasping the love that God has for you.  He loves you infinitely more than I do which (if I am being honest) is incredibly challenging for me to understand.  I hope you fully comprehend that love some day, and that you spend your life searching and working for His Glory (whether that be as a doctor, engineer, salesman, artist, pastor, or career of your choice).

2)  Selfishly, I am also terrified you won't love me.  I want you to love me and I hope you will be able to forgive my mistakes and misgivings.  I hope you will feel I am an honest friend who wants what is best for you.  Always.

You will not understand my love for you until you have a child of your own, but I hope you will at least always know that I do love you, I support you, and I will stand behind and beside you, no matter what.

I love your handsome smile.

I love the way you flinch when your sister comes to give you a hug.

I love your giggles when you get excited.

I love your little kicking legs.

I love how chubby your arms and legs are, and how round that belly and your cheeks (both sets!) are.

I love your joy-filled personality.

I love watching you in the bathtub since you love it so much.

and I even love those smelly little toots.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my handsome little James you'll be.
Your mama