A letter to my little one

Picture taken on January 12, 2012 - 39 weeks, 5 days.

Note: I have been wanting for a while to put my thoughts together in the form of a letter for my unborn child.  Not that the baby will have any idea that I did this.  But I wanted my child to someday be able to read of the great joy that (s)he brought to mine and Dave's life even before his/her birth.

Dear Little Baby,

Today is your due date.  It comes as no surprise to your daddy or I that you have not arrived yet - we imagined you would be late.  I can imagine it is warm, and comfortable (getting more uncomfortable by the day though, I am sure), and familiar in there for you - so I understand why you want to stay!

You have been part of our lives for 9 months today.  I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with you.  Your daddy was at work, and I was so sure that I wasn't pregnant that I took the risk of taking a test while he was gone.  When the first test (and the second) both came back indicating that I was pregnant, I was so excited and absolutely terrified at the same time.  I picked your daddy up from work that night bawling because I just didn't know how I was ever going to be a mother.

And even though at that point I knew in my head we were going to have a baby, I never imagined we actually would.  It wasn't real to me.  But you are so real to me now.

You formed inside of me, and grew, and we saw you through an ultrasound three times.  I started to feel you kick and move around and that was so exciting for me.  And your daddy was so jealous that he couldn't feel it - until he did.  He loved it.  It still brings such a large smile to your daddy's face when you kick his hand, or you move in such a way that he can see.

You are your father's child though.  You are a little trickster.  You will move for me a lot but as soon as I tell anyone you are moving and they watch or feel, you stop.  But the moment they look away or move their hand, you start kicking up a storm again.  Your daddy and I laugh about this often.

I know how much your daddy loves you.  He talks to you all the time and tells you that.  He is so excited to meet his little son/daughter.  And from the moment I told him I was pregnant, whenever I have been afraid of what the future may hold, or doubtful of our abilities to care for you, he has been reassuring and supportive, and I can tell how much he cannot wait for you to be a full part of our family.

I feel like I know you so well.  I know that you either love or hate when I shower because you always kick lots when the warm water touches my belly.  You either love or hate movies (and or popcorn).  We went to see TinTin last night and you kicked me the entire time - you do this whenever we go to the theatre.  And you either love or hate church - from early on you kicked me constantly whenever we were there for a service.

And yet at the same time I know so little about you.  I don't know if you will have dark hair like me, or blonde hair like your daddy.  I don't know if your eyes will be blue, or green, or hazel, or brown.  I don't know if you will be born with a full head of hair or barely any.  I don't know what your name will be.  I don't even know if you are a girl or a boy.  But I love you.  I love you so much.  You are a part of me, and you have been for the last nine months.

And I know I will be far from a perfect mother.  But know that I loved you even before I knew you.  And I will continue to love you forever.

I promise you that.

Love always,

Your Mommy.

Our 2012 Canadian baby. Photo taken on January 11, 2012. 39 weeks, 6 days.

Photo taken on January 11, 2012. 39 weeks, 6 days.

Anxiously Excited

Pregnancy is a funny time for those of us who have never experienced it before.  It is so wildly different, worse, and better than I ever could have imagined (all at the same time).  And despite how sick I was at first, or how much pain I have been in, or how my body has morphed in ways that I cannot control, this end period may be the hardest time of all.  This waiting.

People told me how uncomfortable I would be at the end and how much I would want the baby out.  I am 2 days shy of 40 weeks and I don't yet adamantly feel that the baby should be out.  Sure the kicks in the ribs or the punches in the hips aren't the best feeling, and sometimes I can't get comfortable no matter where or how I sit, stand, or lay.  I would absolutely love a full 8-hour night of sleep, or to be able to eat whatever I want again without the fear of heartburn.  But I honestly still feel like the baby could stay in there for the rest of eternity and I would do fine with it.  But maybe that is because this is the reality I know now.

But as much as I don't mind the baby staying in forever, I know that the baby won't stay in forever, and any day now Dave and I will have a little baby in our care.

I am constantly being told how excited others are for the coming of our little one.  And then I am prodded as to whether I am as excited as they are, and I never really know how to answer.  The reality to come is too much of an unknown to be safe, or comfortable, or really exciting to me.

And maybe that is selfish of me.  Part of my fear comes from not knowing how much this baby will change things in our lives.  I know in my head that everything is going to change -things will never be the same, but my heart is resistant to it - it kind of liked the way things were.  I know that this baby will bring insurmountable joy to our little family, but it is hard to comprehend having more joy in our little family - especially when I think of less freedom for Dave and I to go out and do what we want when we want, or 2am feedings, or diaper blowouts.

Don't get me wrong, I am excited to have a baby.  But I am also scared.  Scared I won't be a good enough parent.  Scared that Dave and I aren't ready.  Scared that I will never have the life I dreamt of because of this little one.  Scared because having a baby means a huge physical challenge that I am not sure I am ready for, or can do.

But I wouldn't give the baby up for anything.  Not to go back to the way things were, not to experience every dream I have, not to never have to go through labour.  I wholeheartedly love this little one already, and despite my fears and doubts, I cannot wait to meet him/her.

Amy & Sammy Nugget at 39 weeks, 5 days.  Please excuse the awful photo quality!

When Life Gave Me Lemons....I Got Pregnant!

How far along?: 14 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a lemon!  (S)He is now starting to grow hair!  I hope that when (s)he is born (s)he has a full head of hair!  If it is a boy, I hope he has blonde hair, but I want my girls to be dark-haired like me (but hopefully have their daddy's blue eyes).

Maternity clothes?: Still none.  Although I am thinking about going to buy some as they are on sale this week!  I think walking into the store might make it too real though.

Stretch Marks: Still none!

Sleep: The weirdest thing I find about sleep right now is the fact that I don't move naturally in my sleep like I used to.  It is the reason I keep waking up.  My arm or leg or fingers or toes or shoulders wake me up because they are fast asleep from not having moved in hours.  Then I have to deal with the pain and shift my body around until they aren't being disturbed.  

Best moment this week: I had two very productive days this week!  Hoorah!

Movement: Nope.

Food cravings: Still none.  I do find I am craving pancakes sometimes, but that might just be because I am trying to think of something to have for breakfast.

Food aversions: Still cooking meat, and eating a little bit.  I would much rather eat veggies or fruit than meat.

Gender: I have to wait another 26 weeks for that!

Labor signs: No.

Belly Button in or out? Still Innie.

What I miss: Being able to lose weight.

What I am looking forward to: Showing, and our next dr. appointment and ultrasound.  And (off topic) babysitting my nephew this weekend!

Weekly wisdom: More people understand your situation than you think.

Milestones: None that I can think of this week!

Meet our little Peach

It's been a long time, friends.  And really, my excuses are limited as mostly I have been sitting around home doing a whole lot of nothing (aside from looking for jobs, cleaning, cooking, and laundry).  But I was only really able to do those things sometimes anyways.  But mentally and physically I have been preparing.  And so today, I would like to take the opportunity to introduce you to someone.

Me, Husingband, and our little peach (13 weeks along)

You see, the little 2-person Pike family is about to grow into the still-little 3-person Pike family.  And we are ecstatic!  Our little peach is still very young (only 13.5 weeks old!), but (s)he is very much a part of our family already.  Lovingly referred to as Sammy Nuggett (by me), Jamal (by Dave), and Bob the Blob (sporadically), there is nary a conversation that goes by that doesn't include him/her in some manner.

We found out about Sammy Nugget the day after mothers day.  It was a big surprise as we had not been planning on having a little one for a number of years, and the first thing I did when I found out was worry.  You see we had just left our jobs in Moncton and moved to Miramichi, a town with a sad economic climate, and it has been 2.5 months and I still have not found a job.  Having no job will mean not having maternity leave which will make things financially very tough on us.  I am going to continue to look for a job though and Dave and I are just trusting that God knows what he is doing, and believing that He will provide.

"I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for" (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG)

Financially, we are in the final stages of paying off of our debt (after being set off track slightly because of a large car repair bill).  But we were blessed to have the money in savings to be able to pay that bill (we wouldn't have been able to mere months ago), and despite that setback we should be debt-free by the end of this month (see my post Money$ for more information on our financial plan).  This will allow us to save as much as possible so we can have a good chunk of savings for when the little one comes next January (for which I am sure we will be very thankful).

I have been fairly sick so far in the pregnancy, and that has halted almost all of my food adventures.  The illness seems to be waning slightly, and so I hope (and I am sure Dave does as well) that I will be able to return to cooking and baking a lot, so look for an update on The Rookie Wife Eats soon!

I am also looking for ways to save money around the house (I have started couponing), as well as trying DIY projects, and creating a healthier environment for us and the baby.  So, I should be updating the Rookie Wife at Home sometime soon as well with some of these things!

Before I sign off, I have 'stolen' the format my sister (over at Mommy Miracles) used when she was pregnant as an update to the blogging world.  So, I have attached this week at the bottom.  Sorry it makes this post so long! 

13 weeks - La pêche

Don't worry, we won't throw Sammy Nugget around in real life!

How far along?: 13 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: At my doctor weigh-in last Wednesday (12 weeks, 6 days) I was down 10 lb total from before pregnancy.  I am back to wedding weight but definitely don't feel like it!

How big is baby: Sammy Nugget is the size of a peach!  (S)He doubles in size every week!  I am impressed (and I am glad that I can't double in size every week!

Maternity clothes?: One day, I wore a pair of maternity jeans that Laura gave me.  They made my life so much better, I was feeling mucho bloated that day.  But since I am down weight, I haven't needed too much in the jean department (although I have been shying away from my skinny, low rise, uber tight American Eagle jeans).  I do find I am in need of some less tight/short tank tops.  They seem to be rising up a lot more!

Stretch Marks: Not yet, thank goodness.

Sleep: Some nights, I have a pretty good night sleep.  I find myself waking up briefly 5-6 times in the night but that might be due to warmth more than anything else.  I still have to get up and pee in the middle of the night though.  I guess this is preparing me for not sleeping through the night come January!

Best moment this week: Heard Sammy Nugget's hearbeat!  160 bpm! It was so fast!

Movement: Nope, although I could see a heartbeat through my stomach this week and thought it might be baby's.  Apparently it is mine.  (Has anyone else ever seen their heart beating through their stomach?  It is the weirdest thing).

Food cravings: None really.  My cravings come and go so fast.  I want it one minute, and then I eat some of it, and it is never as good as I think it is going to be and then I don't want it anymore!

Food aversions: I haven't had aversions to eating anything, but I have had aversions to cooking all meat.  I am going to try to make taco's tonight for supper, it might be interesting.

Gender: I have no sweet clue!  I kind of want a boy so that my names flow with birth order, but I think Dave wants a girl.  We would be overjoyed with either though!

Labor signs: No, thank goodness!

Belly Button in or out? Innie

What I miss: Knowing that my stomach fat was actually stomach fat.  Now I can't tell whether it is part fat/part baby or what.

What I am looking forward to: Showing!  I just want to show!  Despite having seen Sammy Nugget on the ultrasound and hearing his/her heartbeat I still don't believe this is real!  I think showing will help with that.

Weekly wisdom: Staying active really does make you feel better!

Milestones: I have hit second trimester.  For sure, I have passed 13 weeks 3 days or whatever the real 2nd trimester mark is.  So that is exciting!