Tired of the Status Quo

Again, I haven't blogged in the while.  I am the worst at continual blogging.  I am trying to get better, but since my last post, I have been really busy with school and work, and then our computer went into the shop to get fixed and was there for about a week and a half and then Dave and I ended up taking a quick trip to Newfoundland last week.

But, here I am - blogging again.  This time, it is not about money - although I plan to write another post about money very soon.  Although I am bad at replying to people's comments please know that I appreciated all the responses I got.  I love learning about other people who are going through the same things I am going through!

Today though, this blog post is about wanting something else.

I know, I shouldn't want things other than what I have.

Although I feel like we are always scraping for money, and we don't have enough - really, we are very blessed (despite the numerous setbacks that have taken place in the last couple of weeks monetarily - but I will talk about those in another blog post).  We are making enough money to survive and even save and pay down some debt.  And we have a roof over our heads, a car that works (most of the time), and family that love us.

We are lucky.

But I am kind of tired of my life.  I know that sounds weird and probably pretty bad, but it is just how I am feeling lately.

For those who don't know me well.  I am kind of a control freak, and I am very competitive.  I like to win, and I like to be in control of winning.  And that goes for everything.  I want to be the very best at what I do, everything I do.  And when someone beats me, I get...well...dejected.  When I don't 'win', I feel like I have let others down.

And lately, I feel like I haven't been winning at very much.  Everyone is in competition for everything and I haven't come out the winner in many areas.  And so I have this desire to adopt a lifestyle where I am not in competition.  I want to stay at home.  I want to cook, clean, bake, do laundry, take care of our finances, and be the best wife I can possibly be.

My ideal life

Because in the scheme of things, my husband only has one wife.  And so my only competition is my own ideals, and I know I can surpass my ideals if I try hard enough.

I am tired of getting home at 6:30 and being too tired and hungry to make anything substantial for supper.  I am tired of having to do dishes after that, and then looking at my disastrous house wishing I had time to really clean everything.  I am tired of leaving laundry to the last minute because of how tedious our washing machine is, and not having the time to sit down and be available to fill it up, wash it, drain it, fill it up, do a rinse, drain it, move the clothes to the spinner, etc.

I am tired of buying store-made cookies and bread, when I could just as easily make them myself.  And I enjoy making them myself.  I love baking and cooking and being able to make something from nothing.  But I am a morning person, and so by the time I get home at 6:30 (or later), I am wiped and don't want to slave over a stove for the next hour only to have to clean my mess up and then go to bed.

I want to stay at home.  I want to find time for daily physical activity again.  I want to be able to volunteer.  I want to be the best at at least one area in my life.

Don't get me wrong - I actually have a great job.  I get to interact with people, and do work, I like my coworkers, and I believe in the institution I work for.  I also like my schoolwork, I am taking a really neat class on Performance Studies.  I enjoy the job of being President of the Student Association, especially the different committees I get to sit on because of that role.  But it's a lot on my plate.  Not only do I have these to contend with, but I have other academic and volunteer roles that I fulfill, and to be honest - I am just tired of it all.

I just want to stop.

I want to stop all the craziness and busyness and be great at one area of my life - being a wife.  I want my husband to come home to a hot meal every night - or at least be able to come home to a cleaner house.  I have no crazy expectations that everything would be perfect - but maybe this one area would improve.

Sadly, for now - I need to keep working and volunteering and schooling.  But I hope that someday, even just for a little bit, I will get to be a wife first and foremost.

McDonald's hotcakes, carnations, and hamburger helper

So I had been asked to explain my husband's facebook status.  If you aren't facebook friends with him, this is what it says:

Botched my first Valentine's Day as a married man! 10 points!

And I know he sounds excited and happy about it, but really he is not.  I need to give a little background to the story though, so bare with me until I get to the part about yesterday.

Dave and I are on this big get out of debt, save money kick.  And really, we have very very little debt - but we are budgeting our money every month, and will hopefully be paying down lots, etc.  And it has been going pretty well actually .  But then this Saturday we found out we needed to replace part of our exhaust system and it was going to cost us $300 to fix.  So that night I told Dave not to get me anything for Valentine's Day because I didn't feel we had the money.  Note: I forgot to clarify that that didn't mean I didn't want anything to happen on Valentine's Day. 

The other thing that happened this weekend was that we went to Saint John on Sunday to drive my sister back and pick my parents up from the airport.  So at 12:30 on Sunday night/Monday morning we were at the airport picking my parents up.  And yet I had to work at 8:30 on Monday morning and so we were on the road to Moncton by 7am.  Dave wanted to stop and get a coffee and some breakfast, which was fine - so he stopped at the McDonald's on the way out of my parents town. He asked if I wanted anything but it was too early and I said I wasn't hungry at the time. 

So then Dave drove to Moncton while I slept in the passenger seat (really I slept when I could, the roads were bad and I kept waking up thining we were going to die).  I was hoping that we would get to Moncton in enough time to stop to get me something to eat (although to be fair, I never vocalized this thought - but Dave knows that I am a breakfast eater and I don't remember the last time I didn't eat breakfast).  But since the car had to go into the shop that day, and Dave had to borrow his sister's car in order to make that happen, Dave texted his sister (for all you safety nuts, I actually texted her saying what he asked me to say) and said he would meet her in 6 minutes.  This definitely did not leave enough time for me to stop and get my McDonald's kids meal hot cakes, hashbrown, and apple juice breakfast.

yumm... except without the coffee.  I hate coffee.  Blech.

But, I didn't want to say anything so I went on my way to work without breakfast.  Shortly after, I texted Dave and said "I am hungry".  And Dave replied a while later with "Do you want me to get you something for breakfast?", and I said "well, you don't have time" (translate: YES - GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE WITH SOMETHING).   But Dave didn't even check my response until he was at work.

So, I started my valentine's day off hungry.

And so went my day.  Dave works everyday until 6:00, and so I couldn't wait to get home and get something to eat.  I patiently waited until 6:00.  And then I continued to patiently wait until 6:20 when I finally heard from him.  He was on Mountain Road.  If you know Moncton, and you know where Dave works, you will understand that when he said he was on Mountain, I assumed he meant on Mountain near to where I work.  Not on the other side of Moncton on Mountain.  But, he was dropping a coworker at his house.  So, I went outside to wait for Dave.  And I waited, and I waited, and nine minutes later I called back and asked him if he had died.

He had not died, luckily.  But he was still on Mountain Road.

And let me tell you a sleepy, tired, hungry, frustrated Amy does not make a happy Amy.  To his credit, when Dave picked me up at the school, he thrust a bouquet of carnations and daisy's at me and said "happy valentine's day".  Well, as much as I appreciated the gesture, let me tell you that my romantic feelings did not spew forth at that moment.  No, all my negative ones did.

I ranted and I babbled and I cried.  And then Dave dropped me off at the shop, I went in and got my car, and then picked him up at residence where my sister-in-law lives, and then I ranted and I babbled and I cried some more.  And then we got home and Dave asked me what we were going to have for supper.  And then I ranted and I babbled and I cried some more.

And then I gave in and made hamburger helper.

After some more ranting, babbling, and crying, we went to bed - at 8:30.  We talked for a little bit, and then I read and he fell directly to sleep.

So there you have it.  My valentine's day consisted of hunger, carnations, waiting around, and hamburger helper.

But see there is this thing that I have had to learn about Dave.  And I still haven't really caught on.  In statistics you have an independent variable and a dependent variable - and you really can't have research without it.  Well I'll tell you something - I am definitely the dependent variable, and Dave is definitely the independent variable.  Which supposedly makes us a good pair.  But it also makes things challenging.

You see Dave grew up in a very loving family.  But almost all of his family members have outgoing personalities, and they are all extremely independent.

I also grew up in a very loving family.  My family could probably be described as introvert/outgoing.  Sure, we can get really loud and hyper around each other, but I think that in some ways, we have smaller personalities.  And we are all very dependent on each other.

For example, birthdays in my household are a BIG deal.  We do a lot for everyone's birthday.  Growing up, our entire extended family would get together for everyone's birthday.  Dave's family didn't do that.  Sure, they celebrate your birthday, but it wasn't as big of a deal as it is in my family.

And so we celebrate differently.  Dave is independent, when he wants something he saves up for it and buys it.  He doesn't care as much about holidays, and he does what he wants when he wants to do it.

I am dependent, and I continually hint at what I want, because generally I am not willing to use my money on what I want.  I care a lot about holidays.  I go all out.  A birthday deserves a special breakfast, special lunch, special supper, gifts, a surprise, a party, and anything else that can be thought of!

I just thought I should break up the text with a picture.  So I chose this birthday comic!

So, this is what happens - Dave gets upset with me for putting too much time and energy into something, and I get upset with Dave for not putting enough time and energy into things.

I guess this comes with newly married territory, but boy does it take a lot of getting used to!

We have designated this Sunday as our make-up Valentine's Day so I will let you know if things improve the second time around!

Note: I understand that this will NEVER be my valentine's day.  I didn't marry a Romeo, or a Mr. Darcy, or a Westley, but I did marry my David, and no matter how anti-romantic or annoying he is, I love him to bits and pieces and wouldn't have chose anyone else.

Three Things About Life - and today

This blog post might be a little lame.  But it is three unrelated thoughts that I want to bring up, but I don't think any of them truly deserve their own blog post.

So here goes:

1) Today is a snow day.  That is the great thing about working and going to school at the same place!  When one is closed, the other is always closed too!  Oh, how I love a good snow day.  Although really, I end up driving more because I have to drive my husband to work on the other side of town, and then go pick him up later.  The University is only a 3 minute drive from our house - haha!  But at least I get to lay in bed and have good intentions of doing lots of things and really never end up doing any of them.   It's a blast!

2) I feel like I need to explain that my apartment has very few windows.  This seems like a kind of weird thing to say, but you need to understand that it affects my pictures.  I am going to try to take lots of pictures of the food I will be making, but a lack of windows in my kitchen makes it challenging lighting-wise.  We only have two small windows in our apartment that lead outside, and one that leads to a garage.  It's pretty much night time all the time in here!

3) I am in the process of applying for graduate schools.  I presently have a BBA and a BA in Communications and I just don't know what to do next!  So if anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them! I don't care where the University is - I am open to travelling anywhere!

Okay, that's all.  I am telling myself that I will bake things today, but considering my thought #1, that might be unlikely.  If I do though, I will definitely post about it!

Amy

P.S. - The other day I made Delicious Cheddar Puffs (from PW of course).  I was in a rush and was making them for my Bible Study, and so they didn't look as great as PW's, but I got a lot of compliments.  They are fairly simple to make and don't take a lot of time.  I also didn't have room in a freezer to freeze them so I just put them in a fridge.  I didn't get a picture since I was in a rush, but you should try them!

P.P.S. - I am also going to shamelessly promote PW's Cinnamon Toast.  Honestly, try it.  It is the best (tasting) snack in the world.  I used to make the toast using Approach #3, but I will never go back.  It tasted phenomenal the way she makes it!  And is definitely worth the wait!

P.P.P.S - This has become way more than three thoughts.  BUT, my marvelous older sister, Laura has entered a picture of the cutest baby in the world (my nephew) in a contest.  You should vote for her!  The picture with the most likes will win a free photoshoot, and I know she would love it!  If you head on over to Pam McCready Photography on Facebook and add her as a friend, you can vote for Laura's picture.  The picture is of Cameron looking very unimpressed with a New Years hat on!  Also, Pam McCready does great photography.  You should hire her.

That is all for realz this time, homeslices (just joking - I am really not a gangster!)