When I miss University

Somedays, I miss University.

I miss having female roommates whose room I could run into to talk about the latest news from facebook.  I miss four day weekends and sleeping in.  I miss late night Big Stop runs.  I miss being able to make plans on the fly.  I miss going out with friends. I miss having the freedom to do as I please.  I miss writing papers and tests.  I miss being able to judge how well I am doing by the grade that graced those papers and tests.  I miss eating my meals with friends.  I miss talking to Dave about things other than how many poopy diapers were changed that day, or which baby was the crankiest.  I miss seeing Dave more than at breakfast and as I fall asleep at night.

 And today, when I miss University life, I recognize that one day I'll miss today.  I need to work on my patience and relishing the good moments - the times when I find Ella sitting in the corner singing quietly, or when Ella brings James his 'munny' when he is crying, or when she pushes him in the swing and he laughs, or when he tells me stories while sucking his thumb.  I'll miss Ella giving me kisses through the rungs of her crib, and I'll miss the way James smiles at me when I look at him.  I'll miss James' chubby legs in his Jolly Jumper, and how Ella always wants to help me cook.  I'll miss the way Ella says 'munny' (bunny), and 'box' (blocks), and 'Jay' (James), and 'duckie', and 'doggie', and 'birdie', and nana, and papa, and mama, and dada, and the way she woofs like a dog, and how she makes the best elephant noises.

I don't get to go out anymore.  I can't make plans on the fly.  I don't have great girlfriends who I can call up in a pinch, or whose bed I can go jump on when I am down.  My conversations with my husband revolve mostly around our children.   I change more poopy diapers in a day than most people wish to in their whole lives.  I spend most days at home or at work, and spend almost every night at home.  If I want to do anything, I have to schedule it far in advance.

But I am blessed.  I am blessed to have a little curly-haired blonde girl who loves life, and a little chubby boy who is incredibly happy.  Sometimes during the day, I need to remind myself of this, but if I'm being honest - at night, when they are sleeping - I miss them like crazy.

A letter to my (almost) four month old little man

James,

My heart aches with love for you.  Before you were born, I wasn't sure I'd have enough space in my heart for it to overflow with love for both you and your sister, but I do - it does.

But James, I often feel like I am failing you.  And that scares me.  You are a wonderful little boy - you sleep through the night, you are content, you do well in the car, and you give the biggest, brightest smiles.  But I take advantage of those - I have been able to continue helping out at the church, I have been running in the mornings, and taking classes at the local gym many evenings which means less time with you.

I don't have the same amount of time, attention, and patience to give you as I did your sister.  When I do get time with you, she often pulls me away from you so I can save her from being 'ducckk' with her head trapped between spindles on a chair, or after having climbed into your exercauser.

I go back to work next week.  On one hand, I am excited - I enjoy working, I love my job, and this is what I want.  I know it'll only be a couple of days a week for now, but as much as I am excited, I am scared.  I am scared that I will miss your childhood and I'll regret it later.  Being out of the house makes me a better mom when I am at home, especially with your sister who keeps me go-go-going all the time, but it still tears me apart inside to think of you spending days without me.

Going back to work also means that you and I won't have one day a week for just the two of us anymore.  I'll miss those.

If I am being honest, James, there are two things I am terrified of for you:

1)  That you won't end up understanding, grappling, and grasping the love that God has for you.  He loves you infinitely more than I do which (if I am being honest) is incredibly challenging for me to understand.  I hope you fully comprehend that love some day, and that you spend your life searching and working for His Glory (whether that be as a doctor, engineer, salesman, artist, pastor, or career of your choice).

2)  Selfishly, I am also terrified you won't love me.  I want you to love me and I hope you will be able to forgive my mistakes and misgivings.  I hope you will feel I am an honest friend who wants what is best for you.  Always.

You will not understand my love for you until you have a child of your own, but I hope you will at least always know that I do love you, I support you, and I will stand behind and beside you, no matter what.

I love your handsome smile.

I love the way you flinch when your sister comes to give you a hug.

I love your giggles when you get excited.

I love your little kicking legs.

I love how chubby your arms and legs are, and how round that belly and your cheeks (both sets!) are.

I love your joy-filled personality.

I love watching you in the bathtub since you love it so much.

and I even love those smelly little toots.

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my handsome little James you'll be.
Your mama